Speak Well English

Around September time a small group of us spent a very pleasant few hours canoeing down the river at Haye on Wye.  The antics of Dave Cole and John Hitchcock’s son, Joe could easily be the subject of a Hub Ub article on their own.  Maybe another time.  Suffice it to say that Dave’s wife Ann agreed to come along only on the strict understanding that she did not share a boat with her husband.


Later on, after we had dried off and finished with the fibreglass and Isopon we soaked up the late September sun strolling round the streets and bookshops of Haye.  Always on the look out for a bargain I was leafing through the “classics for 50p” section when I came across the following book:  Speak Well English by Tomas Santos  “An guide for aliens to successful intercourse in the correctly English mode”


About the author


Tomas Santos decided long ago to exchange the balmy climate of his homeland for the wet and wind of the British Isles, but it is only recently that circumstances have allowed him to settle in England.  He has made his home in Hove, a popular seaside resort much favoured by retired gentlefolk, where he is a student at one of the town’s language colleges.


Tomas Santos was motivated to write Speak Well English, he says by a desire to improve on the “incomprehending” [sic] phrase books currently in the shops.  He has never written a book before and neither is his English especially good.  Nonetheless he has worked doggedly on the project undaunted by his status as a complete beginner.  He enjoys an unusually wide variety of hobbies, including cycling, flying and music.  His band, Wind String & Faggots, plays a lively role in the cultural life of his home town.


Extract: Prelude by Tomas Santos


Hello.  When I visited firstly in England all was foreign and the  queer native startled me with his tongue.  So I was decided to learn of English and I worked well hard all day in the language college and tossed myself onto the mattress at night with exhaust.


Before I came in England I started already speak absolutely English.  To be exercised I read the classics book such that Dickens: Oliver Twit and L M Montgomery: Anne of Green Bagels.  But in my home land it was not allowed to have the seditious book so I hided them in the hole in my uncle’s back passage.  I had also some phrase books but they was incomprehending and I made my mind, such that when I would be a flowing English  speaker, to wrote a easy learning phrase book for aliens to master also of it.  So Speak Well English came!






May be it is that you also are newly visiting in UK and can don’t speak English.  Then this booklet is purpose of you.  All pupil should wish he shall got better in the promptly fashion and Speak Well English are give you the unique helpment!  This notorious guidance book empowers a learning tourist or the apprentice to flourish at once to acquire fluency English, notwithstanding inferior initial knowings.


I am hopefully that many alien will quickly had pleasure from the English tongue and if you study closely you shall at once forget that native noises feel strange in your mouth.  Therefore, as the English drinking salute said it: cheerio to your good health, and up your bottoms!


So, to start at: Some Cardinal vocabularies


Have ever the correctly term up your arm.  Simply dive under the category adapted of the banner and you can getting it.



The bicycle parts

Bicycle Parts



  • The cross beam
  • The finger bars
  • Poodles
  • Calf spikes
  • Oily beer rings
  • Boot straps
  • A loose nut
  • Splash flaps
  • Hi precious
  • The arse bracket
  • Some rust
  • An patch of rubber
  • Brake boots
  • Nipples
  • The rear muck
  • The front muck
  • The spinney thing
  • An inflating rod
  • A nice saddle
  • A bit of spare
  • Sore parts
  • A sad break
  • A knocking noise
  • Some bent spoke
  • The wobble
  • Cable TV


By Paul Deane  (with acknowledgement to Tom Cutler)


Categories: Other Stuff, Technical and reviews